It has Begun!!!

Today is the start of my 40 days to Personal Revolution! Despite the first meeting and all classes being cancelled I am going to do some yoga at home and some guided meditation. I am also going to try Kale for the first time! go me!!! I am going to try my hardest to dedicate all that I have to this program. Its not going to be easy. I need to communicate with others less and rely on my heart and spirit to guide me. Look deeply within myself to make my body, mind and spirit the best it can be. I am going to check my phone, email and Facebook less. I am going to have my phone on silent. Allow only 30 minutes of computer time a day and 30 minutes of phone time a day(includes texting). This extra time I have will be used for self reflection/ meditation, writing, reading, walking and yoga. I want to try to blog everyday, but not sure how possible it is, since my personal writing is more important.

I will hope that putting the link to my blog out there, someone will follow me and maybe I will even inspire someone, or not.

I'll put it out there that I am not a great writer, I have a lot of stuff to say and I just let it pour out. So you may become frustrated with my improper use of words and grammar. SORRY!!!

I do want to share something today: I was thinking about the last snow storm we had compared to this one(Its snowing out in case you didn't know!). I was thinking how alone I felt, how miserable it was to be just by myself, I had a friend come over because I was terrified. I was so afraid to be by myself because I don't like myself. Its sickening to feel that way everyday, its even worse to admit it. But I admit it openly, because I am working on it, I am working on my life... choosing to be happy. Because in life we do have a choice to be happy!!!

I have a willow tree statue called "Happiness"(google it) I bought it for myself a couple of years ago because I was determines to find that very thing. Well, Happiness broke her arm, actually, her hand broke off and her arm broke at the elbow. I was pissed!!! But What I did was found some crazy glue and put that little bitch back together!! HAA! Her hand wouldn't stay I tried 5 times, finally getting it to stick! See it takes an effort to put happiness back together... it can take 5, 10 or even 100 tries. I didn't give up and finally happiness was put back together with a couple cracks, which is ok because as humans we have scars- both internal and external.

Over a year!

I have not blogged in over a year! Not like I was a consistent blogger anyways- so whatever! I am looking back at the past 2 blogs; the only blogs, and realizing a couple of things. The two pictures that start the blogs are pictures I took in Rhode Island. I always loved how going to RI made me feel and those pictures calm me! It's quite funny that now I am living in those pictures, physically and mentally. Another thing I realized is that the first post was written about how I wanted to be, how I wanted to feel. Its funny because back then I was a mess and I was writing from my heart, trying hard to get to that point. Now I am there, almost there, in the direction to do so. The second one is about giving my clothes away, well I seem to have accumulated a whole new wardrobe, probably bigger than the one I gave away. I guess I just like having options. No, actually they are just clothes that fit, that I feel good in!

So moving to a different state has not been easy, there have been a lot of ups and downs. Some good, some bad, everything taken with a grain of salt! I have deepened my yoga practice tremendously and found a studio I love. My studio hosts Baron Baptiste's "40 days to personal revolution," its 40 days of yoga, meditation and a yogi diet. It starts on Jan 26th. I am so excited! It's probably the only reason I came back on here. I want to try to blog everyday. Yoga really helps me express myself. The biggest thing yoga has done for me is to enable me to be myself an live my life. Why not blog through the whole thing! Maybe I will touch someone! Get someone to do yoga who really needs it. I am also starting my pre- requisites for a massage therapy program. Something I have always wanted to do. Massage is such a great way of relaxing, personally I think yoga is better. Anyways, if I get these 2 classes out of the way, I can start the program in September of 2011. I would finish that following August. I hope to work in a wellness center and eventually open up one of my own!

give away

Today I decided to go through all of my stuff. Clean out my room/ closet. Give away all the clothes I don't wear. Clothes that don't fit that I always hoped I'd be skinny enough to fit back into. That is my problem... I look in that closet and get pissed because I see the size 0 and 1 jeans and xs/s tops. They probably wont ever fit again unless I decide to not eat. Letting go... living more simple. Maybe this will start a trend and I can do this with other things in my life... like get rid of the mental clutter!!
Becoming a minimalist... very hard when I grew up in a very cluttered house. I don't come from money and I always had to work to buy the things that I wanted. Not complaining at all. I learned how to be a good worker and how to use my money responsibly at 13. Today I don't really use my money all that responsibly, even though I try. I have the... If I want it I can buy it myself attitude. I don't need anyone to buy me anything when I can buy it myself. I spend money on stupid things in an effort to make myself feel good. Like mani/pedis or spending hundreds to get my hair done or a new dress or top just so I don't have to wear one I've worn before. It's all so stupid because after Its all said and done and paid for... I'd still feel like shit. I need to find ways to make myself feel better without material things/ retail therapy. So I kinda want to just live with what I need. My mom gives clothes to the appalachian people every couple of months. I will give her all the things I get rid of to give to them. They all can use the stuff that sits in my closet more than I can.

think about this...

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about life and how we miss out on so much. We forget to do things. We don't enjoy things. We take advantage of people. One day it's all gone. There is no turning back... THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST. just simply a thought. a memory to fade. a picture left to burn. You absolutely can not turn back. You can't right your wrongs, you can't take back anything.
ALL YOU HAVE IS NOW. If a thought flies into your mind, a great idea, why wouldn't you take the opportunity to do what it is? If you take a risk and fall would you honestly regret it? In the end nothing really matters. We make big decisions, we do what we do and we just wind up somewhere. Fate carries us. Everything that happens in our lives was a result of something else. You choose everything in your life and can not blame someone or something for why it is not what YOU wanted. You choose the people, you choose the location, you choose the environment, you choose the beliefs. You choose to be in a certain place at a certain time. If you are not satisfied in any aspect of your life why wouldn't you change these things? And believe me you cant just snap your fingers and make everything all better. Its hard work. I have been working on happiness for almost 14 years. I've done it mostly alone too. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Lots of things I went through or did have almost destroyed me... because I let them. I took me so long to realize that.

I am stronger now because of what I went through. I am not letting anything knock me down. Why would I? Why should I? I am much better than that. I AM LETTING IT ALL GO: the people that have wronged me; holding onto whats real. The place that made me crazy; on my own now. The strict forced religion; living a spiritual peaceful life.

I respect myself, I am beautiful.