Monday, August 17, 2009
Today I decided to go through all of my stuff. Clean out my room/ closet. Give away all the clothes I don't wear. Clothes that don't fit that I always hoped I'd be skinny enough to fit back into. That is my problem... I look in that closet and get pissed because I see the size 0 and 1 jeans and xs/s tops. They probably wont ever fit again unless I decide to not eat. Letting go... living more simple. Maybe this will start a trend and I can do this with other things in my life... like get rid of the mental clutter!!
Becoming a minimalist... very hard when I grew up in a very cluttered house. I don't come from money and I always had to work to buy the things that I wanted. Not complaining at all. I learned how to be a good worker and how to use my money responsibly at 13. Today I don't really use my money all that responsibly, even though I try. I have the... If I want it I can buy it myself attitude. I don't need anyone to buy me anything when I can buy it myself. I spend money on stupid things in an effort to make myself feel good. Like mani/pedis or spending hundreds to get my hair done or a new dress or top just so I don't have to wear one I've worn before. It's all so stupid because after Its all said and done and paid for... I'd still feel like shit. I need to find ways to make myself feel better without material things/ retail therapy. So I kinda want to just live with what I need. My mom gives clothes to the appalachian people every couple of months. I will give her all the things I get rid of to give to them. They all can use the stuff that sits in my closet more than I can.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking about life and how we miss out on so much. We forget to do things. We don't enjoy things. We take advantage of people. One day it's all gone. There is no turning back... THE PAST DOES NOT EXIST. just simply a thought. a memory to fade. a picture left to burn. You absolutely can not turn back. You can't right your wrongs, you can't take back anything.
ALL YOU HAVE IS NOW. If a thought flies into your mind, a great idea, why wouldn't you take the opportunity to do what it is? If you take a risk and fall would you honestly regret it? In the end nothing really matters. We make big decisions, we do what we do and we just wind up somewhere. Fate carries us. Everything that happens in our lives was a result of something else. You choose everything in your life and can not blame someone or something for why it is not what YOU wanted. You choose the people, you choose the location, you choose the environment, you choose the beliefs. You choose to be in a certain place at a certain time. If you are not satisfied in any aspect of your life why wouldn't you change these things? And believe me you cant just snap your fingers and make everything all better. Its hard work. I have been working on happiness for almost 14 years. I've done it mostly alone too. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Lots of things I went through or did have almost destroyed me... because I let them. I took me so long to realize that.
I am stronger now because of what I went through. I am not letting anything knock me down. Why would I? Why should I? I am much better than that. I AM LETTING IT ALL GO: the people that have wronged me; holding onto whats real. The place that made me crazy; on my own now. The strict forced religion; living a spiritual peaceful life.
I respect myself, I am beautiful.