Wish me well!!!
Monday, February 14, 2011
I am starting my 3 day fruit fast tomorrow. I was going to wait til sunday but I feel now is a good time. I am also thinking about doing it for a 4th day, but we will see. I went shopping got some good fruits and veggies. Planned out tomorrow and am ready to go. I am nervous because I am very dependent on unnatural sugars. Well not dependent, but I eat a lot of sugar and crap with high sugar content. I have talked to the people who have already done it and they say its not bad. Once again, I chose to do this- no one is forcing me to do it. I can't wait to reap the benefits of this detox. Most people tell me that you don't crave sugar in the same way. You crave fruit and natural things- woooot! Doesn't help that I ate a lot of vday candy. After the Fruit fast/ Detox I plan to adopt a 6- meal a day eating plan that will help stabilize my blood sugar and keep me energized consistently throughout the day. yayyy! I am also taking a class called whole foods 101 and then another called grains and greens for busy people. Kind of excited about all of this. I am erasing every misconception I have had in the past about healthy eating and dieting. I am going to adopt a new lifestyle to better my body and mind.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Lots of struggles are coming to the surface. One dilemma is the food. Always about the food. I love food, I'm a snacker, I have a strong appetite! When I am sad or mad even sometimes happy, I eat! Thats just how its always been. When I started dieting in my early teen years I had this vision in my head. I was going to have a perfect body and stay that way forever. Well- I cant think of anyone who has a perfect body. Who even can define the word perfect? I am reading an article in Yoga Journal that says, "A fundamental principal of yoga is that, deep inside, you are perfect just as you are." I guess if we all just accept ourselves as perfect in our hearts and souls then we can be truly happy because there is nothing to change. Isn't that the struggle with perfection? We are trying to change something constantly- we never get to that perfect place. Then we wind up all pissed and depressed. We compare ourselves to things that are very unreal. As humans why do we need to compare anything? God created us individually- and we are perfect in his eyes. Why does anything else matter? Why cant we think like God? Every struggle in life is given to us to make us stronger. Fate carries us like the wind. If we try to control things and not let them be, we create chaos. Life is a series of events, everything that has happened good or bad has lead us to the present. We wouldn't be where we are now if all those crazy things didn't happen in our lives.
I used to think that when bad things happened- they would never get better and never change. Instead of trying to find the good in things I let my negative mind get the best of me. Now when someone hits my car- all I can do is relax. It just happens- it happens fast and unexpected. But thats how things just are. Can I just accept that? Can I accept everything in my life as just
being a part of life? Absolutely ! What a concept!!!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Whenever someone talks about shifting, I always think of how I cant shift. We shift in out lives many times through out the years. Even from day to day. Shifting from sleeping to waking, working to playing, weekdays to weekends. We also have bigger shifts in lives like going to college then being thrown into the real world, being crazy single to being in a happy relationship. I always thought when I was a teen - how the hell would I ever be happy having a career, or living on my own or getting married or having kids. When you 16 life is bittersweet. I have learned since then that at every "shift" in life we find a new happiness, a new sense of peace and understanding. We grow, we learn, we fall and then get up.
In my yoga meeting tonight we talked about how we all have changed or shifted since we started practicing yoga. I use to get to angry, anxious and nuts/crazy about everything. Not only did I get into those feelings/emotions but I stayed there. Now I get those feelings- but I get out before its too late. Even in the past week I have learned so much about myself. Somethings are really hard to accept others are very easy.
I picked up this book I had been wanting to read, but also avoiding. Its called "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. My old boss, Doc, had read it and had told us all to read it. It has been on my booklist for 6 years. The book is about something Byron Katie calls "The Work" its a series of 4 questions they help change your thinking. What I didnt know about the book was that Byron went through years of depression and anxiety and could not leave her house, she checked into a halfway house for women with eating disorders. They actually locked her in the attic to be away from everyone else, she was insane. She one day just snapped out of it, changed the way she thought. And from there came all these ideas she has written in her book. I am very excited to read it and start working it. So more to come on that.
Other than all of that. I had cancelled some things this week- a Doctors appointment, car estimate appointment, delayed phone calls, didnt answer emails and some phone calls and even skipped two days of yoga. All to make time for things like, reading a book, spending time with the girls from work, taking myself out, meditating, sleeping, writing etc.
In the next couple days to a week I will be doing things for me and only caring about me. I spent too much time ignoring myself and so now its time to treat myself with the respect I deserve.
Monday, February 7, 2011
So I had one of those days where it rains, but the sun is out. That weird moment where the rain and the sun are in perfect unison. My day started out with burning my finger- frustrated and running out of time to get ready. I went to go warm up my car and slipped down the steps! UGHH I also dropped my keys and couldn't find them because it was 6am! Grabbed the spare set and headed to CT for my court date. Long story short the prosecutor dropped the case- it was pure bullshit from the beginning. After that I went to the mall bought lots of socks and bras- felt fabulous. Got some stuff done at home, laundry, dishes, phone calls, bills. Headed out to yoga with Jessie. about to settle into my seat when someone came into class and asked if anyone drove a Subaru. I was like - Oh god what did I do now?!!! Nope- I am innocent this time- someone hit my car! I was totally calm and chill about it. The other woman was upset, crying and totally pissed she missed her yoga class!!! If I wasn't in this program I probably would have been the one crying. I would have cried about my car, then I would have been pissed I missed my only chance to escape(yoga) and then got all anxious and mad about my crazy bipolar day!! But noooo no no! I was like whatever- really I could have done nothing. After everything was settled (at least for now) I went back in to practice with the rest of my yogi buds!! I missed every sun salutation- but thats ok- I had a little sunshine today, even if it was a little rainy- it counts!!!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wow blogging has been hard- Partially because I forgot and partially because I have been busy attending to myself. I am one needy bitch! I am learning so much about myself and how to treat myself the way I treat others. Its the total opposite of what we learned as kids. Your mom said "treat others how you want to be treated". How about as adults we " treat ourselves how we treat others"(assuming we are kind and loving to others)
I keep on hearing this one thing over and over again. What advice would you give your daughter if she was feeling how you feel? What advice would you give to a child if they were sad, hungry, tired, angry, hurt or lonely. I can think of a million things I would say to a child who felt these feelings. So how come I have been unable to treat myself that way?
I see it everyday with the kids I babysit for. They fall down and cry. I hug them and tell them its ok. Then they pick themselves back up. When I fall down, I stay down and/or I get angry and I tell myself its not ok. I shouldn't feel this way, I can't feet this way, this is unacceptable.
As human beings we feel things- we can't label or judge feelings. They are just feelings and we need to feel them, sit with them-- even when it hurts. We use food, alcohol and drugs to blot out those feelings, just as a kid would reach for their binky, bottle or blanket. Nurturing yourself as an adult does not need to be self harming. Why do we punish ourselves for feeling things that are real. When you are overly hungry you eat a big hearty warm meal. When you are tired you go to bed early or sleep in. When you are mad at someone, you express to them why you are upset. When someone hurts your feelings, you stand up for yourself. What a brilliant concept!! When did we loose touch with ourselves?
I have been feeling like shit for a long time. Many factors go into why I feel this way. I have a medical condition that causes all sorts of problems physically and mentally. I am also not eating well, which is an example of treating myself badly. I struggle everyday with this. I tell myself I am fat and that its not acceptable to look the way I do. I try to "diet" and I just wind up eating worse or depriving myself. I have been "dieting" for 11 years. I have gotten myself nowhere. I am still in the 125-132 pound range as I was when I was 15. Diet is a prettier name for eating disorder. My Eating disorder has taken complete control of my life. It has ruined everything for me in my life. I have failed at any attempt at any relationship- with friends, family and boyfriends. I lost faith in god and stopped trusting people. I put myself in a place where no one could see me. I was so vulnerable, how could I let anyone see me after what I ate? I thought it was written on my face. I thought that if I kept myself in my room for days and didn't eat it would erase everything that I just did. WRONG! I was in so much pain from the day in day out vicious cycle of my life. A circle it took a miracle to start to get out of. Everyday I learn and little more and more about forgiving myself and learning to take care of myself. The truth is the only way to heal yourself is to love yourself. The first time I ever was able to look in the mirror and utter the word 'beautiful' was just a couple months ago. I stood naked in front of the mirror at 132 pounds (my heaviest)and told myself "you are beautiful, I love you" Every inch of fat, every scar, every freckle, pimple etc. This is me!!!!!!!!
Shit... what an epiphany!!! 25 years old and it was the first time I ever heard those words and it came from me. I always looked for it elsewhere- when is someone gonna make me feel that way? If someone ever did tell me I was beautiful I would tell them they were wrong. Now this is the acceptance part. When we accept ourselves it means we accept ourselves from the inside out. You start with your heart. Without our hearts we would be nothing!!
Why did I forget to breathe? To exhale? We are not living if we are not breathing.
(I'll add once again I am not a great writer- some things I write make no sense- but I've accepted that- and I am totally cool with it too!!)
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Today is the start of my 40 days to Personal Revolution! Despite the first meeting and all classes being cancelled I am going to do some yoga at home and some guided meditation. I am also going to try Kale for the first time! go me!!! I am going to try my hardest to dedicate all that I have to this program. Its not going to be easy. I need to communicate with others less and rely on my heart and spirit to guide me. Look deeply within myself to make my body, mind and spirit the best it can be. I am going to check my phone, email and Facebook less. I am going to have my phone on silent. Allow only 30 minutes of computer time a day and 30 minutes of phone time a day(includes texting). This extra time I have will be used for self reflection/ meditation, writing, reading, walking and yoga. I want to try to blog everyday, but not sure how possible it is, since my personal writing is more important.
I will hope that putting the link to my blog out there, someone will follow me and maybe I will even inspire someone, or not.
I'll put it out there that I am not a great writer, I have a lot of stuff to say and I just let it pour out. So you may become frustrated with my improper use of words and grammar. SORRY!!!
I do want to share something today: I was thinking about the last snow storm we had compared to this one(Its snowing out in case you didn't know!). I was thinking how alone I felt, how miserable it was to be just by myself, I had a friend come over because I was terrified. I was so afraid to be by myself because I don't like myself. Its sickening to feel that way everyday, its even worse to admit it. But I admit it openly, because I am working on it, I am working on my life... choosing to be happy. Because in life we do have a choice to be happy!!!
I have a willow tree statue called "Happiness"(google it) I bought it for myself a couple of years ago because I was determines to find that very thing. Well, Happiness broke her arm, actually, her hand broke off and her arm broke at the elbow. I was pissed!!! But What I did was found some crazy glue and put that little bitch back together!! HAA! Her hand wouldn't stay I tried 5 times, finally getting it to stick! See it takes an effort to put happiness back together... it can take 5, 10 or even 100 tries. I didn't give up and finally happiness was put back together with a couple cracks, which is ok because as humans we have scars- both internal and external.