Taking care of me

Wow blogging has been hard- Partially because I forgot and partially because I have been busy attending to myself. I am one needy bitch! I am learning so much about myself and how to treat myself the way I treat others. Its the total opposite of what we learned as kids. Your mom said "treat others how you want to be treated". How about as adults we " treat ourselves how we treat others"(assuming we are kind and loving to others)

I keep on hearing this one thing over and over again. What advice would you give your daughter if she was feeling how you feel? What advice would you give to a child if they were sad, hungry, tired, angry, hurt or lonely. I can think of a million things I would say to a child who felt these feelings. So how come I have been unable to treat myself that way?

I see it everyday with the kids I babysit for. They fall down and cry. I hug them and tell them its ok. Then they pick themselves back up. When I fall down, I stay down and/or I get angry and I tell myself its not ok. I shouldn't feel this way, I can't feet this way, this is unacceptable.

As human beings we feel things- we can't label or judge feelings. They are just feelings and we need to feel them, sit with them-- even when it hurts. We use food, alcohol and drugs to blot out those feelings, just as a kid would reach for their binky, bottle or blanket. Nurturing yourself as an adult does not need to be self harming. Why do we punish ourselves for feeling things that are real. When you are overly hungry you eat a big hearty warm meal. When you are tired you go to bed early or sleep in. When you are mad at someone, you express to them why you are upset. When someone hurts your feelings, you stand up for yourself. What a brilliant concept!! When did we loose touch with ourselves?

I have been feeling like shit for a long time. Many factors go into why I feel this way. I have a medical condition that causes all sorts of problems physically and mentally. I am also not eating well, which is an example of treating myself badly. I struggle everyday with this. I tell myself I am fat and that its not acceptable to look the way I do. I try to "diet" and I just wind up eating worse or depriving myself. I have been "dieting" for 11 years. I have gotten myself nowhere. I am still in the 125-132 pound range as I was when I was 15. Diet is a prettier name for eating disorder. My Eating disorder has taken complete control of my life. It has ruined everything for me in my life. I have failed at any attempt at any relationship- with friends, family and boyfriends. I lost faith in god and stopped trusting people. I put myself in a place where no one could see me. I was so vulnerable, how could I let anyone see me after what I ate? I thought it was written on my face. I thought that if I kept myself in my room for days and didn't eat it would erase everything that I just did. WRONG! I was in so much pain from the day in day out vicious cycle of my life. A circle it took a miracle to start to get out of. Everyday I learn and little more and more about forgiving myself and learning to take care of myself. The truth is the only way to heal yourself is to love yourself. The first time I ever was able to look in the mirror and utter the word 'beautiful' was just a couple months ago. I stood naked in front of the mirror at 132 pounds (my heaviest)and told myself "you are beautiful, I love you" Every inch of fat, every scar, every freckle, pimple etc. This is me!!!!!!!!

Shit... what an epiphany!!! 25 years old and it was the first time I ever heard those words and it came from me. I always looked for it elsewhere- when is someone gonna make me feel that way? If someone ever did tell me I was beautiful I would tell them they were wrong. Now this is the acceptance part. When we accept ourselves it means we accept ourselves from the inside out. You start with your heart. Without our hearts we would be nothing!!

Why did I forget to breathe? To exhale? We are not living if we are not breathing.

(I'll add once again I am not a great writer- some things I write make no sense- but I've accepted that- and I am totally cool with it too!!)